Furthest back is a clouded memory of hectic preparations. Packing bags and boxes. Hurried kisses and hugs. Yellow robes of Buddhist Priests. Weeping faces and Buddhist Chants,and an emotion filled mornig climbing onto a van taking a child on my knee.
That was the morning of the day that I was to leave home, to an unknown country . But yet what happened that day and the night before my departure from home have not been completely blurred out. Therefore with a little effort I could recuperate the memories to recollect the events as they happened.
I remember I still had this pain in my stomach. It had been there for quite some time. I saw the Doctor but he did not see any thing serious. You could go ahead with your preparations for your voyage said the Doctor. All my brothers were there around me, except my Sister who was in Colombo. She was to see me off at the Colombo Harbour. My mother, Dotty Nangi and Nanda were busy making things ready to take with me. Dotty nangi was preparing a pillow case, with Nanda helping her.
From time to time my pet Alsatian Raja would put his nose where it is not wanted and get a tap on his back by my elder brother Loku Aiya. Cyril Aiya was preparing things to be packed in a fairly large wooden box that was to go into the Ship’s hold. Amma had prepared oil cakes, Seeni Sambal, Juggery. They were lying in neat packets around Cyril aiya who was trying to find a place for each one of those packets in the not so big wooden box. There were one or two bottles. One contained oil for my hair. Mother insisted that I take it with me, as she had got it specially done, by a physician. Mother who had been suffering from tooth aches for some time had got a bottled essence of girofle, that I should take with me in case I too would get tooth aches.
Doray Aiya was more pensive. He regretted my going away very much, as much as my mother did.
I think my feelings were mixed. Though I very much liked to go to France of which I had heard much without a special attraction to France, or as a matter of fact I had not wanted to be in any country in the west. I thought it would just be four years and that I will be back. I then had not even a dream of staying back in France. If I had married I may never had wanted to go abroad. I had dreams of an early marriage, and having children. But I had not any attachment to any one, having been disappointed in one or attempts trying to fall in love.
There was only one friend whom I liked very much without any matrimonial attraction. Nevertheless, I had written to her about my leaving Sri Lanka and asking her whether she would like to come with me as my wife. She wrote to me giving me an appointment. I was eagerly waiting to see her, but she never turned up at the appointed place.
The following day I had a letter from her telling that as much as she would like to be my wife, she would not like to give her consent now as it would also be a decision to go to another country, and the idea of the marriage would have been divided between being my wife and desire to go abroad.
Well that was the end of my seeking a matrimonial adventure in Sri lanka, and decided to go as I was, a happy bachelor.
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Yes, I cried to-day
Yes I cried to-day, warm tears trickled down my old cheeks. All the feelings I have for people and all beings is love. I have no hatred.
If I speak loud, or write insolent words, it is merely to pour out my feelings in different ways, to ask why we cannot love every one without building barriers around those who are different.
In Sri Lanka there was a war it was a war to end terrorism. Terrorism is against all human norms of living. Terrorism is to perpetrate extreme hatred to others who are different in colour, in speech or in worship, or for the way they live and the way they think. I write against terrorism because it is against my concept of human relations because it is destructive, painful, and sad.
Terrorism kills, destroys and burns all that belongs to the other to satisfy a dream, a principle, But terrorism could also be in the way we live our every daily lives. My neighbour who throws things at me or spray perfume on to my terrace , because they do not like the smell of what I eat is also in a way a terrorist.
The neighbour who denies me my parking place because my car partially blocks the entrance to his house is also a terrorist, the neighbour who calls the police when my music disturbs them are also terrorists. Because they make me live in fear, fear of their disturbing my peace outside, as well as that peace within me..
If I take guns or stones or use bad words to deter them doing what they do or show my displeasure by not speaking to them, then I too become a terrorist not acting according to human norms. Those terrorists I cannot kill but with them I could use other arms which would be dissuasive.
To satisfy the neighbour who does not like the smell of my food, I will cook which has no bad smells, to satisfy the neighbour who does not like where I park my car, I will change the place of my parking. To satisfy the neighbour who does not like my music, I will change my music, I may have given into them, and doing so I may have made a sacrifice. Let that be a sacrifice for peace, a sacrifice to create an atmosphere to live without harassment, without anger, without rancour, and without fear.
But the terrorist who kills, destroys, and for pleadings , demands and requests , answers by more repression, and terror it may even be necessary to destroy them so that others may live in peace. So that others may live normal human lives not with, anger, hatred and jealousy, but with love, affection, and cooperation.
I cried as my heart swelled with sadness because suddenly I realised I have lived for nothing, my life is meaningless , as what I want for the people around me, those of my motherland, and those living beyond in the world is peace to live normal human lives, but when that hope becomes an illusion within the four wall I live, it becomes an untenable sadness raising tears of despair.(15 June,2010 at 17 hours)
If I speak loud, or write insolent words, it is merely to pour out my feelings in different ways, to ask why we cannot love every one without building barriers around those who are different.
In Sri Lanka there was a war it was a war to end terrorism. Terrorism is against all human norms of living. Terrorism is to perpetrate extreme hatred to others who are different in colour, in speech or in worship, or for the way they live and the way they think. I write against terrorism because it is against my concept of human relations because it is destructive, painful, and sad.
Terrorism kills, destroys and burns all that belongs to the other to satisfy a dream, a principle, But terrorism could also be in the way we live our every daily lives. My neighbour who throws things at me or spray perfume on to my terrace , because they do not like the smell of what I eat is also in a way a terrorist.
The neighbour who denies me my parking place because my car partially blocks the entrance to his house is also a terrorist, the neighbour who calls the police when my music disturbs them are also terrorists. Because they make me live in fear, fear of their disturbing my peace outside, as well as that peace within me..
If I take guns or stones or use bad words to deter them doing what they do or show my displeasure by not speaking to them, then I too become a terrorist not acting according to human norms. Those terrorists I cannot kill but with them I could use other arms which would be dissuasive.
To satisfy the neighbour who does not like the smell of my food, I will cook which has no bad smells, to satisfy the neighbour who does not like where I park my car, I will change the place of my parking. To satisfy the neighbour who does not like my music, I will change my music, I may have given into them, and doing so I may have made a sacrifice. Let that be a sacrifice for peace, a sacrifice to create an atmosphere to live without harassment, without anger, without rancour, and without fear.
But the terrorist who kills, destroys, and for pleadings , demands and requests , answers by more repression, and terror it may even be necessary to destroy them so that others may live in peace. So that others may live normal human lives not with, anger, hatred and jealousy, but with love, affection, and cooperation.
I cried as my heart swelled with sadness because suddenly I realised I have lived for nothing, my life is meaningless , as what I want for the people around me, those of my motherland, and those living beyond in the world is peace to live normal human lives, but when that hope becomes an illusion within the four wall I live, it becomes an untenable sadness raising tears of despair.(15 June,2010 at 17 hours)
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